And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
