I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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