sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
