I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
