so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
