Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I AM VODKA MAN
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
