This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
