remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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