I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
