my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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