can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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