i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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