haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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