apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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