Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
