my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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