I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you traded sex for a burrito?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
