Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
