I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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