You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
