I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
