i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I party with great urgency now.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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