This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I got inside last night via doggy door
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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