i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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