Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
