I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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