ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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