While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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