so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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