I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
