Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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