I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
