I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
