I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
