tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
