dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
