We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
