She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
