I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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