do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
