Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
