I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
