I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
