Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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