id be glad to
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
