I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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