First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
