Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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