i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
