toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
