i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
