I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
